A Quickening of Sorts

I found my way back to this blog

2006-12-10T01:04:00.000-06:00

When I started this blog, it was to document my transition from female(? or something mostly like that) more towards the male end of a binary system in which I do not really believe. I have seen a gender therapist, and now have a letter declaring I have Gender Identity Disorder (I'd like to see that taken off the list of official DSM disorders in my lifetime), and that HRT is highly recommended. I ended up going to my 2nd choice of doctors because I didn’t' have the money pay out of pocket to the endo in Atlanta.

But the tally so far:

Oophorectomy: mostly paid for by insurance due to endometriosis, but my part was 1800 dollars.
First therapist: 120 dollars, 50 dollars in gas (in a Saturn even!).
2nd, true therapist- 300 dollars in payment for required sessions
Car- 130 dollars in gas and oil change.
Testosterone - 90 dollars for 2 months worth of generic gel in a cream base (5%)
Doctor that rx'ed me T- at least 26 dollars in co pay, but I suspect there is more of a bill coming
20 dollars in gas
blood work - 60.00 at the lab on campus
25 dollars for the letter itself

Total: 2491 dollars

No wonder I'm in debt.

In January I'm going to a different doctor that I've been told will rx injectable T. That should bring my cost down quite a bit in the long run. Plus, I'm not so sure the cream is the bomb.

Update

2006-10-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know it's been a long time. School, work, and life in general have been keeping me busy. I did keep seeing my gender therapist, and I got my letter for T last friday, and pick up my rx on tuesday.

I'll post more as time allows.

New Gender Therapist

2006-08-30T20:24:00.000-05:00

So K ended up going with me to see my new therapist in Atlanta, and for the most part, the trip up there was ok. Meeting my therapist was cool, and I really like him. He was kind and smart, and when I met him he was wearing no shoes (Yay for comfort). He really put me at ease with this transition process, and I know exactly what I have to do to get a letter for T from him - 1. Get him the name of the prescribing doctor I will be using (and I think I even have found one) 2. He wants to make sure K knows that he and I aren't back there talking about depression, so he wants to meet with her too during our second appointment. After this, during the time between the second and third visit he will draft a letter for T for me. It all sounded easy to me. Except k, my partner/not partner/partner/person I am dating the most seriously etc. doesn't want to meet with me and my gender therapist. K says this is my gig, and we are not partners in this, anymore than we could be partners if one of us were to loose or gain weight. She admits she understands I can't change who I really am anymore than I can really change my eye color, but it all makes her sad, and (contrary to popular and my opinion) that she really doesn't see anything male in me. Now, I know she just doesn't want this to happen, she thinks I'm going to be a completlely different person (fuck, I'm not, I'll still wear sweaters and read books) and I want to help her through her pain, but goodness, all I heard is that she doesn't have my back. My ex boy (the narcissist) had my back in this more than K does. My girl has my back but is in the middle of a big move. Is asking my partner of over 11 years to have my back in this too much? I mean, it's not like she hasn't known now for over 6 years about my gender. I don't expect K to be my partner after my transition, but I do think we will always be family and love each other.

So now I have to call my new gender therapist and tell him my partner doesn't want to meet with us. yay.

Am I asking too much of k? She wants to live here and date me etc, but am I asking too much?

I don't want to hurt her, I want to have her back. But I want her to have my back too. Am I wrong?

Seeing a new gender therapist on Monday

2006-08-19T20:59:00.000-05:00

I'm going to see my new gender therapist this monday (the 21st) and I must say that I am a bit nervous after my last experience. I mean, I just don't do well with therapists. All I want is a letter for hormones, if I have need of any therapy I have people locally I can go see. So, this Monday my sister (ex sister in law, but still my sister) and I are going to Atlanta to see my new gender therapist.

One thing that worries me is binding. I've still so swollen from having my ovaries out that what might fit to bind my chest will not fit over my belly. Luckily though, I found a compression bra that seems to work as well, if not better, than any official binder I've tried so far. So I will bind with that on monday. (my last and first gender therapist wanted me have top surgery before starting hormones, and I can't do that for at least a year, if not more. Seems, even though my chest is not so very large now, the denseness of the tissue doesn't want to bind easily. Or I've yet to find the proper binder for me. It's all just tiring in the binder area, but at least I found that compression bra, and that will work ok for now (I think).

Now, what to wear? (ok, maybe I'm a bit more nervous about all of this than I thought). It's Atlanta in August, and I'm full of hot flashes, so in order not to sweat to death in my therapist's office, I think I'll wear nice shorts and a polo, with a button down over it to help hide the small bit the compression bra does not. Yeah, all the tatts will be hidden, but I'll still have to wear my vans. : )

Speaking of the new compression bra, I got that confused look from the hostess at dinner tonight- she wasn't sure if I were male or female until I spoke (my voice still sounds female). This wasn't the first time something like this has happened, and I'm glad that at least some people see me and think I might just be a guy. (ha).

I wish my family were supportive, but they aren't really supportive in many other areas of my life, why would they have my back during this? Now, they weren't always that way, but my mother's long term brain degeneration has changed us all, and my father and sister are often just toxic to me now. I won't even go into their relationship with eat other- I am indeed the odd man out.

I do think that the family of my choosing will be supportive, and I'm thankful for that. D and E and I always have each other's backs, and K says she is back and supportive, and I do love her, but I'm not sure she'll be able to make this walk all the way with me. I believe we will still care very much for each other, but I think the structure of our relationship will change. Her sister is and will be supportive and understanding- much more so than my genetically related sister.

Another Therapist Update

2006-07-29T14:54:00.000-05:00

So last week I went to see a gender therapist in Atlanta. The first 48 minutes of the 50 minute appt. went fine. She agreed I was transgendered and needed T, but during the last 2 minutes of the appt. she suddenly said she was disinclined to give me T until I have chest reconstruction. It was such a surprise that I didn't know what to say, and perhaps I said many things except "why?" So, when I got my wits about me a few days later I emailed her for clarification of her statement- I asked her "why." I was polite and thankful in my email, but received quite a snarky response to my inquirey. Seems her reasoning behind her statement is something that really just more effective binding could take care of. And she also said it was just a suggestion. Now, I know a suggestion when I see one, I'm not lacking in social skills- she did not pose her statement as a suggestion, more as a statement of intention. And then when I politely asked for clarification she really was snarky.

To double and triple check my reaction I sent the emails to several other ftms and without fail everyone has told me to run from her and find another therapist. I agree. Goodness knows I don't need a passive aggressive therapist. She, the therapist is supposed to be one of the best, but I don't need someone telling me what to do, and in what order to do it. Yes, I will have top surgery, but not until I am fully recovered from my hysto (which was just 4 months ago).

Hell, I'll have to pay out of pocket for top surgery too. "Hello? I'm on a grad student budget here"....

So I see the guy who was originally my backup therapist towards the end of August. I hear he does a lot of work with ftms, and he even gives us a discount. He also seems warm and kind, and hopefully he's someone that can be helpful in my transition.

Therapist update

2006-07-06T14:14:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a good 4th. I spent the weekend looking for gender therapists in Georgia (really, the Atlanta area), and I think I've had some luck. I have one therapist who is willing to see me to help me get a letter for hormones, but he requires that all appointments be in person. Now, I'm all for a trip to Atlanta, but once classes start back up, and with work, I'm not sure how much free time I'm going to have for a 3 hour drive (1 way). So, while I am leaving this option as my back up plan, I think I'm going to go with the therapist who doesn't require as many in person visits- who will do some of the visits over the phone. She also has written articles expressing that she does not believe in policing people about their gender, and that idea really hits home with me. I agree with her that the standards of care should be used a possible guidelines, and not a firm rule book that is applicable to all. She called and left a message and also emailed me that she would be happy to make me an appointment- I emailed her back, and am waiting to hear from her when might be her available appointment times.

Both of these therapists quickly got back in touch with me, while, weeks after sending my inquiries to gender therapists in Birmingham, I've yet to hear back from any of them. Maybe it's because it's summer, and they are vacationing- or maybe, since there are so few gender therapists around here they are just packed with work. In any case, it looks like I'm going to be seeing a therapist from Atlanta, and that suits me just fine.

2006-07-01T14:48:00.000-05:00

I lost my password for here (so much for 4am writing) and I had a hard time getting it reset, but alas, here I am again.

I decided to forgo trying to find a gender therapist locally, and I am now inquiring in the Atlanta area. I sent off one email to a gender therapist in the Atlanta area yesterday, and I'll send a few more today. I know it's the holiday weekend but maybe I will hear something back at the start of the next work week.

Now that I have reset this password I'll write more here, but for now I'm going to go check on the shuttle launch.

2006-06-24T17:40:00.000-05:00

The Past

I don't think I thought a lot about how the boys around me as I grew up, well, not much more then to think that what they had hanging between their legs must slow them down as runners, for I could out run every boy I knew, except one, until puberty hit. Now I knew girls would start their periods and grow breasts, but I really never thought that would happen to me. I thought I'd keep growing muscle and didn't think much along the lines of anything else. I really liked my body then. Suffice it to say that I was horrified that Christmas my period started, and then how quickly I began to grow breasts. I hid my period from my mother for a full year, and I wore everything I could to hide the fact I was growing breasts. I can still remember the shame of my body betraying me like that, and that was over 25 years ago.

But, by the time I was 13 I was in highschool and discovered I had a crush on a girl who was a senior (I was a freshman), and I figured I was a lesbian, and that worked pretty well for the next 20 years. But really, in the back of my mind I never forgot that I just really wasn't a girl. Sometimes I'd take that idea and play with it in my head, then put in up when others were around. It was my very first best secret ever, and I kept it close to my heart for fear that other's would see it for something it wasn't. Well, I kept it close to me until I had a dear friend (who became a lover) say to me "Of course you are a boy! Anyone who can't see that is a fool." she/he afforded me the opportunity to bring out the male in me within the confines of a relationship.

I really can't remember a time when I didn't know I was a boy/male.

This is my transition blog

2006-06-23T22:09:00.000-05:00

So this is going to be my transitioning blog. I keep bringing up my gender in my other blogs, but seem never to have the words with witch to describe this thing inside of me. I thought a clean page might give me the room to breathe and stretch into this person I really am, and am still becoming. There is very little I won't talk about, so if you are afraid of truth, tmi, and believe in strict gender typing, please move along. If not, stick around, this might not be bad.

I've identified as genderqueer for quite awhile now, but really, I'm FTM. Three months ago what stood for ovaries in my body were removed due to blatant malfunction and endometriosis. Hell, even the doctor who performed the surgery said my body didn't have any idea what to do with the estrogen it was sometimes making. (I could have told her that - estrogen is poison to me). However, I still have my uterus because my surgeon was unable to get it during that same surgery. It seems this uterus in my body is abnormally small, too far back, and nestled amongst a blood supply. She (my surgeon) said she thinks we can go back in a year or so to get it (giving time for me to heal and the endo to die) if we need too. She also has hopes that it might just continue to shrink. It seems I've never had a "normal" uterus. No surprise there.

So, I knew what this surgery meant for me. I got insurance to pay to effectively cure my endo, and to remove those dreaded organs out of my body. And now, suddenly, I was given HRT choice- and I simply said "testosterone, no estrogen" So here I find myself on testosterone (not a large amount, and not enough, but that will change), and no estrogen, and I have to say I feel so much better with most of the estrogen out of my body. I now have the chance to change my body to look more like the male I've always been.

So I've talked with Lacy, my doc with whom I talk about things, and who gives me meds to help with my moods from time to time, and he agrees I am indeed transgendered, but he wants me to talk with someone (a therapist) who specializes in gender stuff. The problem is that there are, as far as we can find, 4 therapists in this very red state who deal with such issues and as of yet, the two I have contacted (over the last 2 months) have not called me back. I suspect I sound confusing on the phone- my nice, polite, southern voice talking about gender, and sounding so much like a girl. Perhaps I'll try email next.